Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
