I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We left an ass print on the piano.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
