1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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