I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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