I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid