mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
