This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
