I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
