so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
