Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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