Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
