i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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