Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
