Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
