She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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