im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
