Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
