..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
