so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
