I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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