I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
if i can run in heels then i can drive
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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