ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
