so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
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