I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
