Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
