Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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