Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
