ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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