By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
