Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
