Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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