I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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