Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
