I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm always down for nudity.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
