she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
