marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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