I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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