man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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