Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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