I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
