she looked like the bat from fern gully.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
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That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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