Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
