Jerry, you need to find god
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
