Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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