While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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