The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
