I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
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