Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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