Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
