Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
