Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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