I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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