this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
