I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I look better un-naked...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
