That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
