MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
