Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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