It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
