he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
