Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
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I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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