mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
