Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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