For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
