Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
